Epiphany at the Hands of a Paperback

(Not exactly a paperback... a scanned Japanese manga is more accurate.)

Lately, I've done nothing but read stories-- any story. In between a job I am not sure I like to do anymore and a fog whose origins are confusing, I have been reading stories to help myself breathe. But I have a confession to make, I have never finished reading most of these stories. I've finished a few, yes. But my start rate is way, way lower than my completion rate. I stopped reading If on a Winter's Night a Traveler, The Cave, and dozens of other stuff halfway to the end. 

This I did not understand. I like endings as much as the conflict, as much as the denouement of a story, as much as its build up. I look forward to it. I remember reading those good stories really fast just to get to the end and reading it really slowly to enjoy the words-- the sounds, the literary devices that thankfully I still recognize, the feel of the words. 

But up until lately that was no more. I did not think highly of it. Everything in my life was going well. I have a job that pays well. My family and my friends are all well. My relationship is doing well. It would be ungrateful to sulk and complain. And so it went for a while. I read stuff halfway through no matter how good they are. I stopped writing too-- completely. Well, not completely, I would start but not finish. Everything I did was done halfway through except stuff at work. 

I read. I wrote. I stopped. 

Then, I remembered this anime I saw on TV once. I never got to the end of it. I looked it up and found out that it has a manga. I read it. I was as emotionally detached as a sponge reading its scans. I just wanted to know how it ended. I got to the end. Then, I cried. 

I cried not because the story was good or cathartic. I cried because I understood why I stopped reading most of the good stories and novels I came across. I understood why all I had were beginnings of a thought or a paragraph. The desire to find out what the ending to that story was my subconscious checkmating my conscious self. It's time to understand.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, I was scared of endings. When everything in my life was going so well, it was dreadful to even think that some of these things will end. It took a crappy piece of literature to unmask my fear. I was avoiding the end of those stories because closing a book for good would bring the sadness, a sadness that is so prevalent and so heavy you can feel it in the air around you. You'd lose a character that you 'dorkily' think is real. Loss, oh, I would not even begin with that. I was being a coward. Those books were symbols of the good things I have in my Life. And I would be broken into pieces if I lose any of these characters in my Life right now-- real or imaginary. I guess happiness can do that, or can it? Because that's how I felt. Or maybe because up until now, happiness and contentment still make me uncomfortable. Either way, I was being cowardly. Only cowards are afraid of endings. The brave see endings as crucial conclusions to new preludes in Life. The brave know that while things sure do come to an end, memories are always there to remember and revisit. I would like to think I am brave. ^_^

So I collect my books, in print and in electronic form; I gather whatever scrap of writing I can find, and I'll finish what I've started. 

Pets

One of my biggest heartbreaks in life is not being able to take my pug with me when a four-year long relationship with an ex ended. I don't care how you judge me but I cried more losing the dog rather than losing that relationship. It is a loss that I still nurse until now. I still miss my cute, cuddly, fat, smelly fur ball. I miss her so. 

That loss has made me kinder to animals in general, be it a cat, a dog, a turtle, or a fish. I believe it's the kindness that springs from witnessing unconditional love apart from what you got from your family. Every dog owner will tell you how a dog can make you feel that you are the best person in the world even if you really are a mean, selfish, spiteful bastard. 

On the other hand, losing that pet has made me some kind of crusader against people who treat their pets cruelly. First, I don't understand how they can make the decision of getting a pet and not see the repercussions of cleaning up after it. A pet is another creature that has needs. It needs to be walked, vaccinated, fed, cuddled. It needs time, money, and attention. These assholes don't know that. Second, why go out of your way to be mean to a pet? These people should be in the lowest part of the evolution ladder. I also wish parents do not mistreat an animal right in front of their kids. That's one ingredient to raising a psychopath. 

The joy of having a pet who loves you, and that doesn't even take a lot of effort from you, is one of the best feelings in the world. Some people don't know that. I hope there's a special place in hell for people who are mean to animals especially to dogs. At some point in your lives, I wish you're treated the same way you treat your pets.

Of Brochures and Binoculars

Most Filipinos are multilingual; we know our mother tongue, Filipino, and English. When I was taking calls, some customers would ask what language we speak, I tell them that most Filipinos are multilingual. They find it amazing. Only lately did I realize too that it is such a marvel. 

Although, things in my head get mixed  up and I arrive at conclusions as to what that word means only to realize later on it's so, so, so impossible to mean that way. My impression of the word is sometimes based solely on how it sounds based on the other languages I know.

Here's a list of  a couple of my misconceptions that I admit is pretty confusing in hindsight. 

1. Brochures and Binoculars - When I was younger, I used to refer to binoculars as 'telescopes'. I supposed I picked that one up from my playmates. Then, much later on, I learned that it's supposed to be 'binoculars'. So far, so good, right? Somewhere though, I read the word brochure, and just like that,  I thought brochure was a synonym of binoculars. I don't know how I made the association, but I associated all right. It must be all the similar letters in the words. It went like that for quiet some time until my English high school teacher told me what it really meant. Thank goodness, somebody said something.

2. Himus (Sebuano) adj. - Apparently, it means cute. It was my college roommate who introduced the word.   Initially, it didn't really sound like it meant cute. I associated it with 'timus', an insect that lays eggs in your ears and in the female genitalia, says my high school classmate (whom I now suspect to be some sort of a sexual pervert because she likes to tell such stories. I hope she doesn't stumble upon this blog.) It took me quiet some time to wrap my head around himus. Now, I use it regularly. Although sometimes, I can still hear my classmate's sinister whisper.

3. Kahindik-hindik (Tagalog) adj. - I hear this in the news all the time, and I suppose it means gruesome basing on the context of its usage. When I did not know any better, I thought it means to prick something. I learned most of my Tagalog from Batibot, and they don't exactly say these kinds of things. I came around though. It does mean gruesome, right? 

4. Sibya (Sebuano) verb - It means to announce. This word I learned recently. I have a friend who keeps saying this word. I was asked my opinion on whether to make sibya or not to sibya so I could not weasel my way out of it and I wasn't listening so I really couldn't be your Word-Sherlock. Instead of pretending to understand what it meant, I did the right thing and asked outright. My friend obliged and explained what it meant. I told her it sounds like one of my childhood nicknames: Sibyang. She laughed and told me I always had a funny look in my face whenever she uses that word.

There's quiet a lot where these come from. The consolation is I can still swear in three different languages no problem, and I know I am not alone. My friends have had their fair share of misjudging some, of that I'm pretty sure. Well, note to self, I better download a dictionary app.  

Some Kids are Not All Right

I'm convinced you're raising a kid who will grow up to be a terrible person. I'm sorry but contrary to what your friends tell you; you're doing a horrible job. 

Football Rants

To the United-jersey-wearing guy who claimed to be a United fan but who can't tell who Valencia is over Nani and to the Arsenal-jersey-wearing guy who kept declaring to anyone who cared to listen how he hates Van Persie but didn't actually watch the match between City and Arsenal: I wish you the Judas chair. 

You almost ruined the match for me.

Work Blues

I have been working in the same company for the past four years, and I liked it. Liked. I moved to a department I have always wanted to work in ever since I joined the company. I have been surrounded with people who are  Now, I have moved to another department again, and I hate every single second of it. It's like my first company all over again.

It's not the work. I am a lazy person, but when I like what I do, I really don't mind having to work like an ant. I work not just hard, but I work smart. I don't say yes I can do it. I first ask why and then determine whether it's effective or not. Then, I do it. I'm no yes man but I produce results. I don't waste resources. It has been a rewarding experience.

I talk about that all in the past because things are changing. They're changing for the worst. I hate everything about it. I hate a culture of mediocrity and stupidity. I hate a culture of intellectual stasis. And most of all, I hate a culture of bragging without rights. 

When you feel you've earned bragging rights, always look at the bigger picture. What if the achievement you deemed was exemplary was actually mediocre and trivial compared to everyone else's? When those who've achieved so much didn't make a mountain out of a mole hill and you did, doesn't that make you ignorant?

I feel like updating my resume. I have yet to finish my Education course, and I haven't evens tarted on my Masters. That's four years more I think. Hang in there. 

Sentimental on a Friday Night

I'm 24 turning 25 months from now. When I compare myself with some of the 24-year-olds that I know, I feel old in many ways. Sometimes I think, I shouldn't have read that many books. There are 24-year-olds that I know though who are so much wiser than me. I would like to engage them in hushed conversations in a dark corner of coffee shop pondering Life and Love away. That I don't do. There are things you simply just figure out for yourself.


That's what I'm doing now. Figuring things out. Changing. Planning (as if!) Embracing it joyously or sometimes not joyously at all. I'd be lying if I tell you I got this. Far from it, I'm lost. Very, very lost. But strangely happy. I have never felt so alive.


"Happiness is a warm gun," John Lennon said. Amen, sir! What is sadness then? I seriously don't know. All I know is I'm sad. Not depress but sad. Not angry sad. Just sad. Good ole' sadness. I'm happy and sad at the same time. Maybe I'm happy because I'm sad. I used to be like that. I probably still am like that.


There are certain kinds of sadness that you will never outgrow. They come without warning. They come while you're satisfied with everything in your Life. They come and go. You thought you've banished them forever, but they come when you least expect them to.

And it breaks my heart... it breaks my heart.

By principle, I try hard not to cry when things in my life go awry. I always do my best to man up and face it or ignore it and run away(the latter is more common.) Certain books, movies, and loyal stories of animals make me cry though regardless of how well my life is going. Recently, I've realized that losing football matches make me cry too.


I want to have as little drama as possible. To be honest, I complicated my life before forcing myself to feel things when there wasn't really anything at all. Emptiness is a scary feeling, but I'm not going to talk about that.  I don't think I am a sentimentalist; no matter how hard some of my friends wish it to be. Ha! That's why it surprises me that there are a lot of things, after all, that make me cry. 


Last Monday, I burst into tears after reading a Yahoo article about Manchester United losing the title this season. It wasn't a shocker. Manchester City was on top of the table by goal difference already. This was after we lost our 8-point lea, after being beaten for two games, one of which was a loss to City, and drawn one. But I was hoping, and I was trying so hard to believe that we can still win our 20th title. Such was the Manchester United way. We always had a spirit that was unmatched, a spirit worthy of a cheesy Hollywood sports film. If you look at our club's history, you will see the defiance and the will to not go down without a fight. You really can't blame me. A Red will always believe. We lost though. We lost.


It was a victory that would have really been sweet. This season was also one of the more exciting seasons to date since years of following the Premier League. To win it would have been enough to silence critics even for a time. It would have been another chance to silence the 'noisy neighbors.'  


Not this time though. You can't win them all. No one can win it all. Even footballing giants, Barcelona, only won one trophy this year. 


This loss only confirms two things. There is no wonder why football is the world's most popular sport. It's a shame the Philippines is missing out on it (or not! I survived the past days because no one talked about it in the office) Second, once a Red Devil, always a Red Devil except if you're Cristiano Ronaldo or Carlos Tevez.


We will be back next season. 

Glory, Glory, Man United!

The Little Things

There is no feeling comparable to stepping out of a shower, playing your favorite artist for the moment, and settling down with a book. That's contentment and happiness in a nutshell. 


Enjoy Gotye's Hearts a Mess. ♥

Note to the World and to Myself

I've never been stuck in the past. Failed relationships are failed relationships so I discard them like used paper. The past should be seen in two lights: the nostalgic past and the BORING past. Let the boring past bore you. To do this, always take your time in moving on but know the difference between taking your time and just plainly wanting to get stuck.
Remember this: We are intrepid. We carry on. - Claire.

Hey, you! It's me, March!

I woke up today and realized it's the second of March. The burning temperature outside and my insatiable yearning for the beach should have warned me that the days are changing pretty fast.  And I say this without drama or superficiality, different from how I usually remark about Time before, I can't believe it's March.


***


And I can't help but look at my first post of the year and the things I have vowed to accomplish. Well, to be honest, I didn't really vow wholeheartedly. I just tried putting structure into my life. They say that's what adults do. That's what my father told me years and years ago too but I didn't understand it then. Now, I think I know what it means. I thin it means that there are times you have to think about your future not because it's the adult thing to do but you owe it to the people around you and the people who will be around you in the future. (Insert: Kids. Baah! That's for some other post. Why do I hear my mother's voice in my head?)


So I was looking at it and not one post was I able to do. I have read only three books as of the time of writing and I'm currently on my fourth. To be fair, I read A Dance with Dragons in an intentionally excruciatingly slow pace just to shorten the time of waiting for the next book. That was a futile exercise. I am more committed than ever though. I have a time table in my head but nothing ever happens to that. I discard it when I troll on the Internet. Trolling is too much fun.


I have 10 more months to go says March. Who knows? 

Some Other Adult Stuff Adults Think About

I ♥ my job. My compensation is not bad too. In fact, the only reason why my savings are a meager so and so pesos is because I've mastered spending more than earning. I'm trying to remedy that by having another part-time tutor job and I'll be getting an editing job too. 

This week though is a different story. My passion for my job is put to the test. There are just too many unrealistic demands and questionable decisions. I work well under duress, you know. I can still give you outstanding results with the limited time I'm given. Give me the expectations I'm due. Do not baby sit me. 

Of course, the reason why I'm even writing this is because I can't man up and tell the person because he/she is scary. Don't get me wrong I am not easily intimated but knowing what I know now, I am scared. This person is a nutcase, I tell you, with a history of ruining lives. 

Destroy what destroys you. That has been a mantra I've always repeated but when faced with a nutcase, run. You'll go crazy fighting and they're pretty much broken anyway.

So there. I plan to not lose my footing over this. This period too shall pass. So I'm planning ahead now how my next four days will go. It's going to be Work + House + e-Book. No social networking. No binge eating too. 

Meh

Meh - Indifference; to be used when one simply does not care.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=meh


It's the Year of the Water Dragon. I have no idea what that means because my knowledge of Chinese shenanigans is close to my sense of direction which means it's equals to zilch, nada, zero. Still, it made me have the urge to post something on my blog.
Note to self: Google Year of the Water Dragon and the exact term for Chinese... err.. hmmm... horoscope.


Because this year's brand new, like a new shirt that screams of fabric conditioner, I have convinced myself to write a list of things I should be doing this year. There are three things I want to do this year.
First, compile a list of the books I have read. Last year has been the lowest of the low in terms of reading. I believe I have read the fewest books not in my entire life but in the entire life of me relatively having a good taste in books. Yes, I risk tagging myself as having a good taste in books. Oh so what if I don't? I get bragging rights in finishing The Name of a Rose. Duh. Plus, I hate Twilight which makes me at least a tad better than the part of the self-proclaimed book readers who like it. Also, more because this is my blog. Really you have no business here if you're not a friend who would allow me a few caprices and whims.


Anyway, I hope by listing the books I've read I will be encouraged to read more. So what have I read so far this year? 1Q84, The Shining, and currently reading A Dance with Dragons. The first two books were read when I was home where there was no Internet. I think I really am in trouble here.


So there, that's the first thing I wanted to do.


Second would be to get as many valid ID's as I can and to finally get my passport. It's time to travel outside the country. Just because.


Third, I should really seriously learn how to swim. This actually does not need an explanation. Like, it doesn't.


I hope I can do all three. As I'm typing this, I know Number 3 is close to impossible. An all-too-familiar laziness is settling on my extremities already. If the world were to end 11 months from now, even a life skill such as swimming is not gonna save me. We'll see; we'll see.

Hurrah! A New Post!

I stalk myself for two reasons: love for self and crazy paranoia. My narcissism is out of the question. I have had several exes all screaming in the best sarcastic tone they could muster: Because you're simply the best. (This current not-ex recently did.) Crazy paranoia because I am scared shitless of leaving Internet  footprints I don't really mean to. I hate those who dislike me from knowing something about me. Chances of that happening are a bit high knowing my love for social networking always keeps me posting about what I'm up to, and so we go back to the first reason.

Of course, I was googling my name and my search results amounted to nothing self-incriminating. They're just tweets and plurks. Facebook, thank God, was not included. Then, I stumbled upon this blog (which reminds me I have a StumbleUpon account. Whatever happened to that). I had so many things to write but I was so busy I didn't have any time for myself. I still am fucking busy. So here goes my second post for this year, hoping this redeems me. I hope I'll be here more often but I don't think so. The Holidays are the most stressful time of the year. I have another online job. My health has not been cooperating with me lately. Maybe not anytime soon. 

So long, I guess. 

Holidays!

I have a job that allows me to celebrate Philippine holidays, although I have to do make-up classes, if I am handling a class and get one Vacation Leave along the way, and allows me to sleep at night like a regular human being. Thanks to that I celebrated the 24th off, eating, talking, and drinking with workmates.


It was a send-off party for one of the trainers. Good food, good times. Really, really good times. What struck me most was what she and our other co-trainer said. 


She said: 


Sometimes I forget that there are younger people than me. I thought I was untouchable. I was 22- 23, and I was working with people older than me. Now... 
well, you can't stay 24 forever. 


What she said wasn't new. I thought I'd stay in college forever:
drinking, smoking, reading with friends and people I thought were awesome. (And they still are) I thought that was how we're gonna roll for the rest of our fuckin' lives. As Murakami would put it, only the dead stay seventeen forever.
So nothing really new about it. But as always, knowing is different from living it. The next thing you know, you'll have to cram your way socially and try to find ways being less lonely for the rest of your life. 


That's what our goals are, right? Being less lonely. Money, friends, family, the jobs we abhor but we keep... are all part of our quest to ease the loneliness.


That's not even the loneliest part. The loneliest part about it is knowing why you're doing all these things doesn't spare you from it.


***


This holiday too I realized the best description I can put out for myself. I am unconventionally likeable. The people I choose to be friends with are in some ways unconventionally likeable too. Sometimes you want people to like you but they don't. Sometimes you care about it, sometimes you don't. All I know is the more savage your wits are, goddammit, murder me and let's be friends. 

Happy Holidays!

December gave me a present. I feel great. So great that I can go make out with a stranger. Or not.

The Charlie Brown Philosophy

To my ever good friend Charlie Brown,

I stumbled upon a thing or two you said back in your heyday. It struck me as truthful and funny and profound all at the same time. And I quote, "I've developed a new philosophy... only dread one day at a time."  

I cannot thank you enough for having the wisdom to develop this for me. In confusing times such as the ones I'm living, this has been the turn of the tides. I'd like to confess that I am a big fan of dread, self-loathing, anger, and all the negative things you can name from the top of your head. It is too easy to just break yourself into pieces and never allow anyone (or yourself for that matter) to put you back together. 

Most of the time I dread the thought of waking up because it seems that mornings are all infinite. But I will imbibe your philosophy and think of dreading today and this day only.

Thank you.

                 

You and your almost indefatigable smile. xoxo

... and then?

i am going to take your "like" of me

and i will mold it into a sphere.
palms facing up, i will hold it.
i will tell you to look at it and marvel.


and then i will crush it with my fingers.
slowly, excruciatingly
without excuse, without reason
i will break it.


do you still like me now?

I'm so sad I could die who?

...hello?

twenty-three

i fall yet again. falling and falling. again. and again. it's the sense of loss. the sense of life... draining away.


***


twenty-three is young. Younger than what? Why do I feel old? Why do I meet people and feel that I've met them before? Why do I shed tears of longing, sadness, and the lightness of being me?


***


today, i felt like screaming. i felt that i wanted to die. i felt that i wanted to rip my wrists open and bleed.
and i had to press my palms to my jaw to supress the word "twenty-three".


i am but i am not. i think of the sand and the sea. i think of the smell of brine and sun. but i also think of emptiness and drabness. i think of anger and hypocrisy. i am but i am not.


***


But they say, this ,too, shall pass.