(Not exactly a paperback... a scanned Japanese manga is more accurate.)
Lately, I've done nothing but read stories-- any story. In between a job I am not sure I like to do anymore and a fog whose origins are confusing, I have been reading stories to help myself breathe. But I have a confession to make, I have never finished reading most of these stories. I've finished a few, yes. But my start rate is way, way lower than my completion rate. I stopped reading If on a Winter's Night a Traveler, The Cave, and dozens of other stuff halfway to the end.
This I did not understand. I like endings as much as the conflict, as much as the denouement of a story, as much as its build up. I look forward to it. I remember reading those good stories really fast just to get to the end and reading it really slowly to enjoy the words-- the sounds, the literary devices that thankfully I still recognize, the feel of the words.
But up until lately that was no more. I did not think highly of it. Everything in my life was going well. I have a job that pays well. My family and my friends are all well. My relationship is doing well. It would be ungrateful to sulk and complain. And so it went for a while. I read stuff halfway through no matter how good they are. I stopped writing too-- completely. Well, not completely, I would start but not finish. Everything I did was done halfway through except stuff at work.
I read. I wrote. I stopped.
Then, I remembered this anime I saw on TV once. I never got to the end of it. I looked it up and found out that it has a manga. I read it. I was as emotionally detached as a sponge reading its scans. I just wanted to know how it ended. I got to the end. Then, I cried.
I cried not because the story was good or cathartic. I cried because I understood why I stopped reading most of the good stories and novels I came across. I understood why all I had were beginnings of a thought or a paragraph. The desire to find out what the ending to that story was my subconscious checkmating my conscious self. It's time to understand.
Because, ladies and gentlemen, I was scared of endings. When everything in my life was going so well, it was dreadful to even think that some of these things will end. It took a crappy piece of literature to unmask my fear. I was avoiding the end of those stories because closing a book for good would bring the sadness, a sadness that is so prevalent and so heavy you can feel it in the air around you. You'd lose a character that you 'dorkily' think is real. Loss, oh, I would not even begin with that. I was being a coward. Those books were symbols of the good things I have in my Life. And I would be broken into pieces if I lose any of these characters in my Life right now-- real or imaginary. I guess happiness can do that, or can it? Because that's how I felt. Or maybe because up until now, happiness and contentment still make me uncomfortable. Either way, I was being cowardly. Only cowards are afraid of endings. The brave see endings as crucial conclusions to new preludes in Life. The brave know that while things sure do come to an end, memories are always there to remember and revisit. I would like to think I am brave. ^_^
So I collect my books, in print and in electronic form; I gather whatever scrap of writing I can find, and I'll finish what I've started.
One of my biggest heartbreaks in life is not being able to take my pug with me when a four-year long relationship with an ex ended. I don't care how you judge me but I cried more losing the dog rather than losing that relationship. It is a loss that I still nurse until now. I still miss my cute, cuddly, fat, smelly fur ball. I miss her so.
That loss has made me kinder to animals in general, be it a cat, a dog, a turtle, or a fish. I believe it's the kindness that springs from witnessing unconditional love apart from what you got from your family. Every dog owner will tell you how a dog can make you feel that you are the best person in the world even if you really are a mean, selfish, spiteful bastard.
On the other hand, losing that pet has made me some kind of crusader against people who treat their pets cruelly. First, I don't understand how they can make the decision of getting a pet and not see the repercussions of cleaning up after it. A pet is another creature that has needs. It needs to be walked, vaccinated, fed, cuddled. It needs time, money, and attention. These assholes don't know that. Second, why go out of your way to be mean to a pet? These people should be in the lowest part of the evolution ladder. I also wish parents do not mistreat an animal right in front of their kids. That's one ingredient to raising a psychopath.
The joy of having a pet who loves you, and that doesn't even take a lot of effort from you, is one of the best feelings in the world. Some people don't know that. I hope there's a special place in hell for people who are mean to animals especially to dogs. At some point in your lives, I wish you're treated the same way you treat your pets.
Most Filipinos are multilingual; we know our mother tongue, Filipino, and English. When I was taking calls, some customers would ask what language we speak, I tell them that most Filipinos are multilingual. They find it amazing. Only lately did I realize too that it is such a marvel.
Although, things in my head get mixed up and I arrive at conclusions as to what that word means only to realize later on it's so, so, so impossible to mean that way. My impression of the word is sometimes based solely on how it sounds based on the other languages I know.
Here's a list of a couple of my misconceptions that I admit is pretty confusing in hindsight.
1. Brochures and Binoculars - When I was younger, I used to refer to binoculars as 'telescopes'. I supposed I picked that one up from my playmates. Then, much later on, I learned that it's supposed to be 'binoculars'. So far, so good, right? Somewhere though, I read the word brochure, and just like that, I thought brochure was a synonym of binoculars. I don't know how I made the association, but I associated all right. It must be all the similar letters in the words. It went like that for quiet some time until my English high school teacher told me what it really meant. Thank goodness, somebody said something.
2. Himus (Sebuano) adj. - Apparently, it means cute. It was my college roommate who introduced the word. Initially, it didn't really sound like it meant cute. I associated it with 'timus', an insect that lays eggs in your ears and in the female genitalia, says my high school classmate (whom I now suspect to be some sort of a sexual pervert because she likes to tell such stories. I hope she doesn't stumble upon this blog.) It took me quiet some time to wrap my head around himus. Now, I use it regularly. Although sometimes, I can still hear my classmate's sinister whisper.
3. Kahindik-hindik (Tagalog) adj. - I hear this in the news all the time, and I suppose it means gruesome basing on the context of its usage. When I did not know any better, I thought it means to prick something. I learned most of my Tagalog from Batibot, and they don't exactly say these kinds of things. I came around though. It does mean gruesome, right?
4. Sibya (Sebuano) verb - It means to announce. This word I learned recently. I have a friend who keeps saying this word. I was asked my opinion on whether to make sibya or not to sibya so I could not weasel my way out of it and I wasn't listening so I really couldn't be your Word-Sherlock. Instead of pretending to understand what it meant, I did the right thing and asked outright. My friend obliged and explained what it meant. I told her it sounds like one of my childhood nicknames: Sibyang. She laughed and told me I always had a funny look in my face whenever she uses that word.
There's quiet a lot where these come from. The consolation is I can still swear in three different languages no problem, and I know I am not alone. My friends have had their fair share of misjudging some, of that I'm pretty sure. Well, note to self, I better download a dictionary app.
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