I stalk myself for two reasons: love for self and crazy paranoia. My narcissism is out of the question. I have had several exes all screaming in the best sarcastic tone they could muster: Because you're simply the best. (This current not-ex recently did.) Crazy paranoia because I am scared shitless of leaving Internet footprints I don't really mean to. I hate those who dislike me from knowing something about me. Chances of that happening are a bit high knowing my love for social networking always keeps me posting about what I'm up to, and so we go back to the first reason.
Of course, I was googling my name and my search results amounted to nothing self-incriminating. They're just tweets and plurks. Facebook, thank God, was not included. Then, I stumbled upon this blog (which reminds me I have a StumbleUpon account. Whatever happened to that). I had so many things to write but I was so busy I didn't have any time for myself. I still am fucking busy. So here goes my second post for this year, hoping this redeems me. I hope I'll be here more often but I don't think so. The Holidays are the most stressful time of the year. I have another online job. My health has not been cooperating with me lately. Maybe not anytime soon.
So long, I guess.
I have a job that allows me to celebrate Philippine holidays, although I have to do make-up classes, if I am handling a class and get one Vacation Leave along the way, and allows me to sleep at night like a regular human being. Thanks to that I celebrated the 24th off, eating, talking, and drinking with workmates.
It was a send-off party for one of the trainers. Good food, good times. Really, really good times. What struck me most was what she and our other co-trainer said.
She said:
Sometimes I forget that there are younger people than me. I thought I was untouchable. I was 22- 23, and I was working with people older than me. Now...
well, you can't stay 24 forever.
What she said wasn't new. I thought I'd stay in college forever:
drinking, smoking, reading with friends and people I thought were awesome. (And they still are) I thought that was how we're gonna roll for the rest of our fuckin' lives. As Murakami would put it, only the dead stay seventeen forever.
So nothing really new about it. But as always, knowing is different from living it. The next thing you know, you'll have to cram your way socially and try to find ways being less lonely for the rest of your life.
That's what our goals are, right? Being less lonely. Money, friends, family, the jobs we abhor but we keep... are all part of our quest to ease the loneliness.
That's not even the loneliest part. The loneliest part about it is knowing why you're doing all these things doesn't spare you from it.
***
This holiday too I realized the best description I can put out for myself. I am unconventionally likeable. The people I choose to be friends with are in some ways unconventionally likeable too. Sometimes you want people to like you but they don't. Sometimes you care about it, sometimes you don't. All I know is the more savage your wits are, goddammit, murder me and let's be friends.
It was a send-off party for one of the trainers. Good food, good times. Really, really good times. What struck me most was what she and our other co-trainer said.
She said:
Sometimes I forget that there are younger people than me. I thought I was untouchable. I was 22- 23, and I was working with people older than me. Now...
well, you can't stay 24 forever.
What she said wasn't new. I thought I'd stay in college forever:
drinking, smoking, reading with friends and people I thought were awesome. (And they still are) I thought that was how we're gonna roll for the rest of our fuckin' lives. As Murakami would put it, only the dead stay seventeen forever.
So nothing really new about it. But as always, knowing is different from living it. The next thing you know, you'll have to cram your way socially and try to find ways being less lonely for the rest of your life.
That's what our goals are, right? Being less lonely. Money, friends, family, the jobs we abhor but we keep... are all part of our quest to ease the loneliness.
That's not even the loneliest part. The loneliest part about it is knowing why you're doing all these things doesn't spare you from it.
***
This holiday too I realized the best description I can put out for myself. I am unconventionally likeable. The people I choose to be friends with are in some ways unconventionally likeable too. Sometimes you want people to like you but they don't. Sometimes you care about it, sometimes you don't. All I know is the more savage your wits are, goddammit, murder me and let's be friends.
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